Missing...

Yes, we are still unschooling. But I've started to feel something is not quite right. I haven't been able to put my finger on it, but it's there like the elephant in the room.

In order to combat those feelings, I have been diving further into the writings of the most outspoken advocates of radical Unschooling. The big guns. The ones who run the show and have the answers.

Reading, reading, reading.

Trying to implement.

And reading some more.

But something is not right in this home. 

I have one that spends all his waking moments in a fantasy world that is the computer. Two that walk around completely bored and unable to think of anything to do. That watch TV all the live-long day. I do everything I'm supposed to. I do enter their worlds. I watch them and be with them. Are they learning? At this point I'm not sure it matters. Focusing solely on "learning" has caused me to have blinders on to the bigger root issue. My children are sliding down a slope and I've allowed it.

In a home where there are neurotypical children, I do believe complete, while-life, radical Unschooling could and would work. Beautifully.

Unfortunately, my kids can't function well in this system. Their backgrounds have taught them very well how to tune out of life and to use the tv, computer, whatever, as a way to escape. They are very much 6 years old, relying on no-one, and meeting their needs and wants with no thought to the morality of their choices. 

They have no moral base.

None.

And because of that, we cannot radically unshool. I will not give up their hearts that easily.

I have made a mistake. Instead of turning to the Bible as my reference for what unschooling is, I've been turning to the big gurus. I've taken their word as the gospel truth. I've accepted their opinion as the final word. 

I've offered up my children on the altar of THEIR beliefs. 

THEIR values. 

Their. Beliefs.

Time to rethink radical unschooling.  

So I'm bucking the big machine and I'm pulling my kids back. We are starting back at square one, and I am choosing to diligently work on doing my part to heal my kids' hearts. They know how to tune out life. What they don't know, is how to be part of a family. How to trust and allow yourself to be cared for. 

God has entrusted us to be parents for these kids. It is our job to raise them with heaps of grace and kindness. To keep them from "escaping" life, and instead to be part of a life that embraces pain and joy and reality.

Today we start. 

Still here :)

I am still here. I need somewhere off my main blog, that I can talk. And so this will be MY SPACE.

It seems the older I get, the more I not only question everything I believe, but the more I find myself changing, relaxing, giving grace and forgiving. Sometimes I wonder where I will end up on this path. Mostly though, I am trying to embrace the journey.

Not easy.

I live in a traditional, rural, Midwest town, where there is value in hard work, discipline, traditional education, religion, and supporting an agricultural community.

My values are no longer in line 100% with the community at large, so I often find myself quietly withdrawing.

At THIS time, I value working at a job that you find joy in, grace-based parenting, unschooling, and supporting the small, local food-system. I lean heavily towards natural healing and looking to the Creator and His creation for answers. In a country that is radically sliding towards government control, I find myself sliding towards being self-sustaining and removing myself from politics of any sort.

On the topic of religion, I am in a church that is pretty radical. Seeing all of us "that" sinner, instead of pointing at others. Our pastor is humble and kind, and readily admits his own short-comings. I find a deep filling for my spiritual void when I attend church. I am less quick to judge, because I no longer know where I stand on many controversial issues.

It's a confusing and isolating place.

I am starting to find like minded people here, but they are few and far between and often much younger than me. I don't care anymore. I am happy to call them friends. :) I also have met some amazing women online. Two of whom I text regularly. They are my friends. The ones I tell my deepest, darkest secrets too. I cannot wait to give them a hug in heaven.

I am an enigma.

It is not easy, but it is my life.

Designed To Learn...

I really started to struggle with Corazon not wanting to "do" much. She is my one who will draw into herself and "escape" reality by doing only what is comfortable to her. She has been sleeping lately. A lot. She will often sleep till noon or later. Then shortly after getting up, she will zone out in front of the computer until bedtime. If we go anywhere, the ipod and ear buds immediately come out. It has been irritating me, I won't lie. She has such a beautiful soul and so much to offer, but I feel like she is just biding her time, hoping she can go to school next year. Not making any effort to be part of her own life.

Tough.

So last night I reached out to my online (awesome) group of Christian radical unschoolers. I laid it all out there. My fears and my thoughts. Not easy to admit, but I knew I needed help with MY attitude. The gals there were helping me work through things, asking questions and talking. And then one posted this....

I just think how difficult it would be to assimilate all that she has to.  Displaced at three, years of neglect, then displaced again, but this time to a place with different smells, different sounds, different tastes, with different faces, and different voices.  Then add that she has not had the exposure to many things we take for granted for typical learning.  It would be hard for an adult to adjust.  She must feel like she is drowning or something at times. 

Even if she spent the next 5 years sitting in front of the tv most of the time, she would be pulling in sights and sounds and words and ideas and building upon other sights and sounds and words and ideas.  She would be learning.  But you know, she has other people around her who have interests and conversations and activities that she will be pulling information from as well.  Over time she will see and and hear things that will pique her interest and she will probably want to say something, do something, go some place and that will add to all the other stuff she has been building upon. 

We are designed to learn, and learn we will.  How we go about doing so will look a bit different than some, and hugely different than others.  It is all good.  Different is good.  She is just a tiny baby in her new home.  Soon she will be a toddler, and then an adolescent and soon she will be a young adult, and then continue to mature in her adulthood.  The age and stage may not match up to what might have been if she had been born into your family, or if she had joined you at age 3.  She will grow, she will mature, she will learn, she will stretch and become stronger, and braver, and more involved.

Wow.

Just wow. 

THAT was exactly what I needed to hear. EXACTLY.

I love this girl so very, very much.

And as a PS-after I got off FB and went back to just BE with my daughter, she pulled up Minecraft on the Kindle. Apparently she has been silently watching her brothers play. And she played. And played. And played. Then she asked me if she could help me bake for a party tonight. 

Touche. 

Thank-you God for helping us find a way that builds a safety net for my kids, even when I doubt. 

Especially when I doubt.

Molded....

I've been watching silently as something miraculous begins to slowly unfold in my home.

As our delight-directed journey expands into new territories, I am seeing the kids attach more deeply to us as parents. The two now are wedded in my head and in my heart. I am absolutely not saying this is not possible with other ways of schooling, I am just saying that for us the mix has been the biggest blessing.

Our radical life of learning means that I am intimately involved in my kids lives. Not in an intrusive "do this" sort of way, but in a "watch me mom" way that little kids have. Just as a small child says "watch me mom" a million times a day, through self-directed learning, I have those moments all day every day.

My kids, no longer needing to fit into my mold, are welcoming me into the lives they are molding.

We talk, we explore, we live life full-force with each child, and they are allowing us to attach. We are beginning a beautiful dance together as a family. The changes in all the dynamics are so very good. My kids feel valuable as people and it is showing.

Their hearts are healing.

Ramblings...

There are a lot of moments I feel pretty good about unschooling. Where I think, hey, this is some good stuff.

But...

I am realizing the moments that I feel ok about things are the moments where I can quantify my kids" learning. Where I can mark off that box and say, "today they did math" or "today they looked up states after looking at the globe",

What I don't feel good about yet, and what I really struggle with, are the moments where they aren't "doing anything". The moments where they are wandering around aimlessly. Or just sitting at the table doing nothing and bored. The moments where they follow me around ceaselessly.

I find myself irritated with them, telling them to "go find something to do."

Yeah. :/

Not cool.

I am afraid that I convey to them that they are not "ok" and learning unless I can see something visible. This is not what I want. Not at all.

For me personally, unschooling is much harder than homeschooling. It means that relationship absolutely positively comes first. That my own issues with being an introvert who shies away from deep intimacy, are vomited up all over the place.

I have to learn to do this so that my kids will be ok doing this.

I have to learn to be in their world. I have to learn to be honest about my own shortcomings. I have to stop projecting my own fears onto them. I have to stop and just be with them. I have to learn to say yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Unschooling is so natural.

Unschooling is so difficult.

My kids need this.

But sometimes I think I need it more.

I thank God for my son who refused to play by the rules and instead forced us onto this path. 

Real...

I have been thinking a lot lately about what creating a learning environment within the context of unschooling looks like to me. Its interesting to me how all my unschooling posts are pretty much about the logistics and semantics of unschooling. About applying it to our lives, instead of how my kids are doing with unschooling. I think its because unschooling is so new to me that I feel like I am still very much wrestling with how this looks for my life. :) I realize its a phase and that some day I'll be on the other side of the spectrum as "just" an unschooler living life, but I am learning to embrace exactly where I'm at.

Whew!

That took a turn I didn't anticipate! Lol!

What has been on my mind is creating a real world in my home for my kids. I am slowly and surely replacing the cheap version of toys with real items. I don't know. I just feel that things would be so much more exciting if they were able to touch and use and play with real items. Real musical instruments, not toy versions. Real colored pencils, acrylic paints, linseed oil, color pastels, not the cheap Crayola versions. ;) Baking for real in our real kitchen. Buying games not for their "educational value", but to match them with my kids' interests. Strategy, fun, humor, word games, etc. Real tools, a hammer, a saw, nails, and some duct tape. Great books. Fun books. Books on CD. DVD's I know my kids will love. Xbox games they'll love. Downloading apps on my Kindle that are challenges for my kid who is crazy good with computer games, and fun apps for my little one who gets so easily frustrated. 

Exploring life WITH them. Giving them tools and being excited to see these kids blossom. Walking with them and guiding them. Valuing them and their opinions. Being available. Answering and or researching the one million questions they ask.

Saying yes, that sounds like fun. Saying sure when they say mom look!

It is a different life to be sure, but it is one we are on the path to fully embracing. And this replacement of "fake" with "real" is just the first step. :)

(RockyGirl..should have been radically unschooled her whole life...and still she benefited greatly from the little bit she DID do at home. Oh, and Cat. Lol!)

...

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever you would call me.

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior.

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fall)” by Hillsong United