Designed To Learn...

I really started to struggle with Corazon not wanting to "do" much. She is my one who will draw into herself and "escape" reality by doing only what is comfortable to her. She has been sleeping lately. A lot. She will often sleep till noon or later. Then shortly after getting up, she will zone out in front of the computer until bedtime. If we go anywhere, the ipod and ear buds immediately come out. It has been irritating me, I won't lie. She has such a beautiful soul and so much to offer, but I feel like she is just biding her time, hoping she can go to school next year. Not making any effort to be part of her own life.

Tough.

So last night I reached out to my online (awesome) group of Christian radical unschoolers. I laid it all out there. My fears and my thoughts. Not easy to admit, but I knew I needed help with MY attitude. The gals there were helping me work through things, asking questions and talking. And then one posted this....

I just think how difficult it would be to assimilate all that she has to.  Displaced at three, years of neglect, then displaced again, but this time to a place with different smells, different sounds, different tastes, with different faces, and different voices.  Then add that she has not had the exposure to many things we take for granted for typical learning.  It would be hard for an adult to adjust.  She must feel like she is drowning or something at times. 

Even if she spent the next 5 years sitting in front of the tv most of the time, she would be pulling in sights and sounds and words and ideas and building upon other sights and sounds and words and ideas.  She would be learning.  But you know, she has other people around her who have interests and conversations and activities that she will be pulling information from as well.  Over time she will see and and hear things that will pique her interest and she will probably want to say something, do something, go some place and that will add to all the other stuff she has been building upon. 

We are designed to learn, and learn we will.  How we go about doing so will look a bit different than some, and hugely different than others.  It is all good.  Different is good.  She is just a tiny baby in her new home.  Soon she will be a toddler, and then an adolescent and soon she will be a young adult, and then continue to mature in her adulthood.  The age and stage may not match up to what might have been if she had been born into your family, or if she had joined you at age 3.  She will grow, she will mature, she will learn, she will stretch and become stronger, and braver, and more involved.

Wow.

Just wow. 

THAT was exactly what I needed to hear. EXACTLY.

I love this girl so very, very much.

And as a PS-after I got off FB and went back to just BE with my daughter, she pulled up Minecraft on the Kindle. Apparently she has been silently watching her brothers play. And she played. And played. And played. Then she asked me if she could help me bake for a party tonight. 

Touche. 

Thank-you God for helping us find a way that builds a safety net for my kids, even when I doubt. 

Especially when I doubt.

Molded....

I've been watching silently as something miraculous begins to slowly unfold in my home.

As our delight-directed journey expands into new territories, I am seeing the kids attach more deeply to us as parents. The two now are wedded in my head and in my heart. I am absolutely not saying this is not possible with other ways of schooling, I am just saying that for us the mix has been the biggest blessing.

Our radical life of learning means that I am intimately involved in my kids lives. Not in an intrusive "do this" sort of way, but in a "watch me mom" way that little kids have. Just as a small child says "watch me mom" a million times a day, through self-directed learning, I have those moments all day every day.

My kids, no longer needing to fit into my mold, are welcoming me into the lives they are molding.

We talk, we explore, we live life full-force with each child, and they are allowing us to attach. We are beginning a beautiful dance together as a family. The changes in all the dynamics are so very good. My kids feel valuable as people and it is showing.

Their hearts are healing.

Come Along...

I'm not even sure how to begin this blog because there's so much swirling in my head.

For anyone coming here who is looking for an ally in an adoption of an older child, I pray this is a good and safe place for you to be. For anyone coming here who is blatantly anti-adoption, I hope you feel welcome too. I have a lot of really strong, and really mixed up feelings regarding what I now believe about adoption vs what I used to believe. I hope you bear with me as I learn, and grow, and sort through those feelings. The things I understand to be true today, may completely broadside me as false tomorrow.

We are entering a place where my kiddos are facing racism and struggling to find their worth. There are some very bad people in this world. And there are some very good ones. I am a white mom of Hispanic, and black, and white children. What does this mean for me? For them? I'm not sure.

My faith has changed.  I was very close to completely rejecting my beliefs and my church. I am still working on that one. Having taken a radical step back, I am now inching forward and finding my faith to be something that is very much a mystery to me. I'm ok with that.

And in the midst of all the deep and rambling thoughts, I also hope you see the other side of me. The one that loves to be outside. The one that is journeying towards whole food. The one that would really love to learn more about healing with God's good earth. The one with a wicked and sarcastic sense of humor. And the one that is Laura Ingalls at heart. Homeschooler, mom of kids in school, grandma of the most beautiful baby in the world.

I am not who I used to be. As this life continually beats me down, I am finding that I am stronger than I thought. I have so much to learn yet.

So what is this blog about??

I guess if you come along with me, we'll both find out. :)

Beginning

I have created this blog as an outlet for my writing. I feel a strong desire to write about issues in adoption, post-adoption, older child adoption, and the God who makes all things new. I have chosen to blog here anonymously, without frontal pictures of my kids, and using this is as an outlet for my thoughts.

God bless.